hey guys!

 Do you know that my mum signs on every single day to check if I have blogged? i’d better get going! i'm still chugging along here in france. i can't believe that it has already been 5 months that i have lived here... and i am sorry that you have all missed out on a lot of it. i have been very lazy. I don’t know why but its a little intimidating writing for you, so i'm gonig to picture that im writing to myself, because in the end this is also for me to look back on in years to come and read from myself. so, i am, sitting on my matress in my bedroom of my second host family - the lovely De La Rochebrochard's. i have just finished a dinner of chicken curry and rice, simple and nice. i have been home all alone today and i have a skype with giselle first, and then my mum.

 i talked to giselle all about her trip to melbourne to check out the universities and the cource she is interested in, and also about all the idea's we have already squeezed into our theoretical flat. i have been dreaming of an extremely cute weather-board house surrounded by lush and shady tree's with a small back-yard somehow housing a hammock and a pool. oh, and it will be positioned right in the most popular location in Melbourne and hopefully the rent will be Under $100 a week. however, something tells me that with our budget, it's more likely that we'll be living in a classic brick appartment located on the outskirts of melbourne just in reach of the public transport system with a small kitchen, no view and positively no back yard - and this still THRILLS ME!! i am so excited for melbourne. however, uni has been on my mind a bit. i just don't know what to do? i love music, but the idea of studying music kills my enthusiasm a bit. i like to entertain and play for people, and i don't know if Ineed an education to do that (I think I will look into it anyway). i want to follow through with learning French too, but i will need to look into it all a bit deeper to make up my mind. but whatever, im young and i'm going to melbourne so we'll see what i can make of it!

 then i had a skype with mummy, and i was dwelling on how i have been feeling lonely at the moment. you see, im on vacance now until the 1st of september, and i haven’t been able to call call the kids in my class because they were all studying their buts off for their exams which are actually finally over now. and becasue i changed class recently, i have only just started getting to know the kids in my new class on a stronger level, and now i don't have an excuse to see them every day. i'll just have to step out of my comfort zone and bloody call. these days, my comfort zone is being home alone in my underpants. There are so many legitimate and also some stupid reasons why my self confidence has turned to jelly which maybe I will touch on later. Finally most of my family are on vacation now too so tha house isn’t as empty, but marie and thibault still go to work. Being along was good in some ways becasue I could mooch around the house, sing, eat and dance without the eyes of others upon me! also there is the pool and the blue skies.

there has been a few events during the holidays for me. one was the fete de sport held in my home village of Rognes, and i was eager to go and find out where and when i can get all sporty and also where i can meet some folks my age. sadly, it turned out mostly to be for kids. i played bad minton with 10 year olds, and walking into the judo hall only to find toddlers in smart little white robes jumping over things... so i just walked out of there again. I didn’t find a sport during the holidays sadly because they all start in September.

then there was the fete de music which is a HUGE event all across france where people fill the streets and listen to live music of all genres. i was going to go with malo, but my friend Samantha from America asked if i'd like to go with her and her friends, which i did! Charles, the host dad from my first family,had called the day before and asked if i wanted to come and play music for him and all his friends, so I took my guitar and played for an hour (earning 55 euro!!) and then met up with same for a night of dancing!

I’m very Sorry that I dropped off the face of the earth a bit. Mum’s been telling me how many people are looking for my new blog and its nowhere to be found!!

To be honest, it’s still been quite a roller coaster ride for me over the last few months with emotions and stuff.  I might be living in one of the most beautiful places in France, but it doesn't mean that life is easy and that I am having a crazy and thrilling learning adventure all the time. I am definitely learning all the time, but from both the good and the bad.

Everyday I struggle with my identity. In Australia I had so much confidence in who I was and in all the things that made me, me.  I never realised this confidence at the time because of course I still had insecurities (what girl doesn’t), but now I feel very unsure a lot. It’s so hard. I am trying to make the most of this experience, but I realise that exchange isn’t simply moving to another country and living a happy existence. It’s a struggle, and that’s what makes you develop as a person. Well, this is what I am discovering on my exchange because every exchange is so different, and you have to work with what you are given.

 Some exchangers are free to do whatever they please. They can travel to other countries alone for a week with only the swift signature of a Rotarian, or they might be in a district with 40 other exchangers who instantly become true friends and family that you can count on  and be with all hours of the day, but I didn’t get this. And this is probably a good thing in many ways. It means that I don’t speak English with my exchange buddies and thus speak more French which is an important aspect of exchange ( my only exchange buddy, Sam, went home),  and it means that I need to make friends from France. This I feel that I am struggling with. i have friends but i never know if i am imposing on their business. i call and it doesn't work out for whatever reason. sometimes it does which is good. its all very tender haha. You see, I was talking to my sister and my host father at lunch today and my insecure feelings which I thought were just in my head, are actually true. My host dad explained that different areas of France produce different types of people depending on their context. for example people up in the north of france deal with the rain everyday so i dont know why but apparently they are really nice people who are friends for ever once you meet them. that. but here, the south life is considered easy because we have the beautiful sun almost every day, and we have lots of rich people. However  people are so posh and well to do here (this is not my words haha) that in this society it is common to have your small handful of true friends and then there’s everyone else that you cannot trust becasue you talk about them andthey most likely talk about you. And its true – I witness it every day. Sitting at a cafe, or watching tv, or talking about someone you know, and the people you are with mock them for wearing this, or for being fator ugle (in other words imperfect haha) and this is all just normal. But I am struggling to deal with it.  THANKFULLY, i have those few people who come forward and are just so lovely all the time. always full of eneery when they see you, and those are the moments when i'm at my brightest! I am so different from everyone here that I stand out like a zebra, so for those who befriend the zebra's of the world... i love you x

Anyway. I guess today has been a hard one haha so it's reflecting in my blog. I love and miss you all dearly and I will get through the hard times because there is always good times waiting on the other side!

And I have written 5 new songs :D

Xxx

DANIKA <3